Honesty

I was 14 years old and having lunch at my best friend's house. Her mom asked how I liked the franks and beans. I said that I liked them very much; although the truth was that I did not like them at all. From that point on, whenever I had lunch or dinner there, it was franks and beans.

I've been caught more then once in a difficult situation caused by not telling the truth. Have you? Most of us have.

The question "why do so many love affairs with a promising start sooner or later end badly?" was posed on the Positive Psychology Professionals group on Linkedin. This was shortly after I had a conversation with a friend about the very same thing. She had been reflecting on the reason her own romantic relationships did not last and concluded that it was because she did not tell the truth. Instead of sharing things that bothered her, she decided that the person was not right for her and ended the relationship. Why did I not share what was on my mind, she reflected, and give the relationship a chance?

An organization that I recently worked with had many serious personnel problems. They were heavily impacting productivity. There was much discussion about letting people go. The employees had no idea what they were doing wrong. Why had this information not been shared? The staff had not been given the opportunity to correct their behavior.

A colleague just sent me an article entitled "Do You Tell Your Therapist The Whole Truth?" A therapist who was not being honest with his own therapist wrote it! None of us is immune to the temptation of holding back the truth.

You know how difficult it is to change. It is hard to make changes for ourselves, people significant in our lives, and for teams and organizations. People do not change based on logical data. If that were the case, everyone would be trim and no one would smoke! John Kotter, an authority of change and leadership, states that people change because they are shown a truth that changes their feelings. So to get what we want for ourselves in all areas of life we need to tell the truth.

One of the main reasons we do not tell the truth is to avoid conflict. But now that my communication skills have improved, I would choose conflict over franks and beans. Acknowledging and working through conflict is often the way that situations and relationships are improved.

Another reason often given for avoiding the truth is to spare feelings. However, the truth behind this is really about how we want to be perceived. Almost no one wants to be the bad guy. You need to keep your eye on the bigger picture. A better choice is to risk being the bad guy then having someone lose their job.

Honest communication is the cornerstone of solid relationships at home and at work. We need to have the courage to be known and to create an atmosphere of trust. Nothing can do this but telling the truth.

Studies of leadership in business and in the military show that people will go to great lengths for leaders whom they trust. Customers keep buying from vendors that they trust. Building trust is accomplished first and foremost by honest communication.

It can be challenging to get in the habit of telling the truth. Many of my clients hire me primarily for my objectivity and to become more comfortable with being honest. It is worth the effort to practice with someone you trust, and to discover what is keeping you from being honest.

And for the ultimate truth telling challenge, how do you answer the question, "honey, do I look fat in this?" Well, the answer is the truth: "you look good in everything to me."